Reading about Congress this week has been an interesting lesson in incivility. From the former House speaker “allegedly” kidney-punching another House member to an Oklahoma Senator squaring off with a hearing witness to various House Reps calling each other childish names. I personally don’t care for Lauren Boebert. However, Majorie Taylor Greene referring to her as a whore when talking to colleagues has a very 7th grade mean girl vibe.

I want to say we’re all surprised by this behavior coming from our elected representatives. But by now, most of us wouldn’t blink an eye if a couple of congressmen got into the world’s saddest slap fight. We would just want to see the video and the memes on Tik Tok and Instagram. Clearly, now is the time for reminders about proper manners, a refresher etiquette class for Congress, and a bit of decorum.

Or we just bring in the grandmas and the nuns. A radical idea, I know, but hear me out.

We’ve all had the sweet grandmother who wanted to feed us, always wanted to take care of us, and sent birthday cards with money in them. That’s not what I’m talking about. We need to get the mean grandmothers – in my case, my chain-smoking great-grandmother – who would just as soon slap you, pinch you, or hit you with a shoe the moment you stepped out of line.

Put those grandmothers in charge of the House and Senate floors and see how quickly people would come to order. Replace the Sergeant at Arms for both the House and Senate with a grandma with a box of shoes. Let’s see how quickly a shoe flies the next time someone gets out of line. My late Grandma Mary (my dad’s mom) wouldn’t have put up with any of the current nonsense. 

I can also picture the riots of January 6th with a line of grandmas instead of Capitol Police. Imagine storming the Hill and coming face to face with a bunch of 80-year-old women in pantsuits and carrying handbags. Would you cross them? Sure, there would be a few pistol-packing grannies, but I don’t know that any would have had to draw a gun.

And when it comes to the committee hearings, I vote we replace the committee chairs with nuns and mother superiors. Republicans want to bring the church and God back into government. I wonder how they would feel with a scowling Mother Superior staring them down. My dad has told me stories about the Mother Superior at his school who could give him such a look that his butt would get hot.

Instead, we have Bernie Sanders having trouble getting Markwayne Mullin to sit down and show some decorum. But Sister Shelia and her yardstick wouldn’t have an issue. For that matter, sprinkle a few Sisters with metal rulers throughout the hearing, ready to pop any rep or senator at the first sign of trouble.

I know that sounds a bit radical, but something must be done. The “fine people” in Congress are obviously having trouble behaving themselves and controlling their tempers. I read this afternoon that Mullin is still talking about his tantrum yesterday, and not doing any favors for the public’s (and the world’s) perception of him. Apparently he bites. Literally.

But think about it? What a great way for Grandmas to supplement their social security and the Sisters to raise additional money for the church. And have a little fun while they’re at it.