Today, The Big Gay Architect would like to honor all the fallen heroes who have gone before us. Those who so gallantly gave their lives in sacrifice. And to their comrades who somehow survived the onslaught of 35 pounds of Basset-ness named Lucy to live and fight another day.
To the four rolls of Angel Soft: We salute you! Your lives in tatters spread throughout bathrooms, hallways, and dog beds. Remnants left in the front entry as a warning to future rolls of Charmin that may some day cross through the front door. Triple-ply Quilted Northern? Don’t even think of coming into the house.
To the TV remote: You will not have died in vain. Even though there were four chew bones and various toys available, you were willing to give your life to a bored dog whose owners had the nerve to go out for dinner. We appreciate your sacrifice, although operating the TV became a challenge. Our best hope was to point her at the TV and watch the channels change while she barked.
To the cookie magazines and loose-leaf recipes: Some of you survived, and some of you have moved on. Eggnog Gooey Butter Cookies will be difficult to make when all that’s left if the Eggn Goo Bu portion. While Lucy’s interest in cooking was short lived, no doubt she was busy pooping out various recipes in the backyard for several days.
To the two bathmats: You bravely unraveled to provide tens of minutes of amusement during conference calls. And your cushy backing was soft and gentle on teeth worn out from eating various Lego parts and people. Our cold feet on the bathroom floor were just a reminder of what you gave for your country.
To the new dog bed who survived: Please don’t be mad about being relocated to a closet while we contemplate the best method for repairs. Luckily you were able to send a distress signal in the form of fluff floating down the hallway before you were turned into just a slipcover. We will not forget you.
Finally, to every dog owner who knows the angst of coming home and taking a tour to see what may have been eaten while you were gone: We understand the moment when you don’t remember leaving confetti on the floor. We are with you in spirit.
Just know that at some point, the puppy will be gone, and you can stop worrying about who is next on the hit list. Relish in knowing that eventually, when you get up in the night to use the restroom, the Angel Soft will be where it should be. Instead of sitting down, looking over, and realizing standing up is going to be really awkward.
