Did everyone survive Black Friday? No missing limbs?  No elbows to the head while trying to save a few bucks on a TV? For a change, I didn’t see or hear any stories about out-of-control crowds mowing down Walmart greeters. Usually there are one or two newscasts with scary footage to boot.

Or were you smart like me and chose to stay home, recover from too much turkey, and wait for Cyber Monday?

As someone who “buys” instead of “shops”, I never understood the appeal of getting up at some awful time of day to wait with the other shoppers until doors open then push your way in, hoping whatever you’re after doesn’t run out.

However, as the type of person who buys, Black Friday should be the ideal day for me and my compatriots. We have no desire to wander up and down aisles, perusing merchandise, and thinking about what looks good. We are on a quest. Get in. Pick up. Get out. Most of us have already mapped out the store. On a recent run to the mall, I knew which entrance I needed for as minimal an experience as possible. My only off-plan activity was buying a brownie on the way out.

So what better time to go? No one else is shopping, and anyone saying different is lying to you and themselves. No one arrives at a store at 6 a.m. because they just can’t wait to stroll casually about. My best bet is people don’t make it past the displays at the front of the store except to hit the cash register before moving on to the next sale.

Yet that still sounds like an unpleasant experience to me because I picture the day playing out in one of two ways. Either I get caught up in the frenzy of the other shoppers and start elbowing old ladies in track suits out of the way to purchase something I didn’t know I needed. Or store management has to call James because I’m in the fetal position under a display table and won’t come out regardless of any treats being offered as enticement.

Knowing me – and James would undoubtedly concur – the second scenario is most likely. I am, after all, the man who gets anxious in a grocery store. Which is why James does the shopping. He loves to shop, even with a list. Because you never know what you’ll find.

There was one Thanksgiving where James and his mom woke up early to hit a single Black Friday sale. Although I cannot remember what they were after, I do remember telling them my going was a hard pass. My father-in-law and I opted for sleeping in – at least until they returned unscathed. Great minds and all. Although I would have at least had company under the table.